Something shiny

It's scary what someone can think of when they're alone. I can kind of understand what people mean when they say they're afraid of their own thoughts.

Cutting crossed my mind, but not to cut my thigh; rather my wrists. Not to kill myself but to remind me of what I did, and how I feel.
Drinking every night, getting drunk and not caring about work and school made an appearance to. I remember how I felt at my cousin's wedding in August, I didn't plan on getting black out drunk, but it happened. I felt great....until the next morning.
Stealing my parents car, draining my bank accounts and driving anywhere sounds great to.
Suicide stopped by as well. Any of the above options would work. Cut to deep in the right spot, and bleed out. Mix some pills with alcohol, I won't be waking up when I black out. Taking the car, speeding down the road into a column or tree would do it, into a river or over a cliff can get to the same result.

It's scary that I was able to think of all of these things and not feel anything immediately. I've even thought of where I can get the alcohol and pills, which road would be best in my area to drive off of, and where a vein is closest to the skin. I do know better, but still it's hard not to feel this way.

I don't feel like my family really loves me. I've never felt like I belong, my cousins are close to each other and their siblings. I'm just kind of here; seen and tolerated but not loved and accepted. I said as much to a cousin at the wedding and she tried to tell me they do love me, but we were drunk and besides, who would admit to something like that? My own brother physically, mentally and sexually abused me when we were younger. Who'd want someone as messed up as me around? I'm jealous of siblings and how close they are to each other. I NEVER had that. It hurts me to know I never will have that either.

I hate the way I look to. Fat, ugly, pale. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror to comb my hair! I purposely avoid my reflection on any surface. I've always been heavy, and my brother would pick on me for it. Food became a comfort, it didn't judge me. But it got me fat. Now I'm skipping meals, not eating all my food, I've even forced myself to vomit. I feel better after that, but I can't always do it after eating.