Feeling lost

So I was talking to John, in school yesterday before our 4-day weekend, and I ended telling him that I have continued to cut, and that I have had suicidal thoughts and with those thoughts, to end it all. I talked to him about more then just that but that was the main topic of discussion. Among other topics was how I hate change. Change as in my family getting smaller, as I am the youngest of 16 grand kids, and I'm the only one who shows up for holidays among the grand kids. Also I'm passionate about books and old things, as I probably mentioned before, and my school is starting the process of renovating our library, and they are selling all of the solid wood tables and chairs, that have been there since who knows when, but at least the 70s, as that was went my dad was there. They started removing books from shelves and, to my best guess, putting them in storage so they don't have to worry about that when the end of the school year comes when they start on the 'heavy lifting' work in the room. Seeing all of that happen, family and book wise, then throw in the fact that I'm leaving school in about 3 months, is getting to me and I feel completely lost. If I talk to some people, who know I'm Catholic, they would say that I need to pray and seek out Jesus. I haven't been to church on my own since Christmas. It's sad, the church I belong to is a beutiful building, and I use to know what it exactly looked like...now it's a struggle to remember the layout of the pews, and paint on the walls. I'm sure if I go back I would feel better and probably feel less pressure, but it's hard to believe in something that is against my own happiness. For those that don't know, because they were probably living under a rock, the Catholic Church is against anything homosexual. Not the people, they teach acceptance and respect of all, but the thought of marriage, or sexual actions between two men or two women, or self pleasure ment to images or thought of two or more men or women, is a sin. So basically if your Catholic and gay you have to live a life of solitude, and have no sexual pleasure ment in any way shape or form. If. Haven't already mentioned it, I'm a thespian. Yes there is a th and a p, not a l and b. yesterday was a rehearsal for our show in April, and I was stuck at my schools sister school. Christine goes there and it's an all girls school. I was there waiting for my mom to come pick me up after she was done working on the other side of town. As I was talking to Christine, I noticed how mature she looked, and then she was right back to being the goof-ball freshman I met last year. It amazing how much one person can grow in one year, both physically and mentally. It will be so hard to leave because she is my sister, regardless of what people say that there is no family connection, we have that relationship of brother and sister, even if we have only known each other for only about 2 years. I know for sure that I will be crying during green room, in my last show. I've already told her that I'm dragging her down to green room for at least 4 performances, of she is not doing make-up for the show. I was on medicine for migraines when was younger, about 4th grade to about 9th grade. Towards the end I was taking my pills when I felt like it. In recent times I have been having a constent pain behind my right eye. I would love to take my pills again as I still have some, but I can't find them. I think my parents put them in there room. Plus I don't feel like telling them I think I need them, because then they might think I'm trying other things other then cutting to get some sort of release. Alonso not taking them for about 3 years then asking for them again would probably mean a trip to the doctors office and more tests needing to be done. I had a MRI done when I forts got them to make sure it was not something more serious. Well this post got to be longer then I though it would be. Untill I decide to post again, I'll leave you with a quote I like: "I sit in church with guilt and fear as a parent of a gay child. Imagin what a gay person must feel when they are sitting in church." (It's not exactly word for word, nor do I know who said it, but I like it. It shows what some people feel, and that they have some understanding of what others have, are, and possibly will go through in their life. [If someone knows the exact wording, and/or who said that please let me know.])